I thought it would be easy. . .

I bared my soul
(well, maybe just a peek)
It was more than I should have
I feel exposed
naked

I thought it would be easy. . .

I let someone into my life
behind the walls
I trusted them
told them my dreams
my secrets

I thought it would be easy. . .

I got the razor
out of the drawer
I saw what I had become
reflected in the coolness of the blade
I put it to my wrist

I thought it would be easy. . .

I was wrong.

I’m Fucked!

I dont know what is the matter with me.  I was doing fine this morning.  Had my coffee and that was it.  I needed to go visit my daughter, so just before I arrived at her house I bought a Diet Coke from McDonalds.  I did well, she feed the kids lunch and I declined the grilled cheese sandwich they offered up.  All this I do only to come home and get a call from my son at work and he tells me he feels sick and is hungry, but has no money.  I decide I am gonna go get him some Del Taco, but the other kids get wind of this and want some as well.  No worries I will just get a soda I tell myself, but I get there and I am starving!  So I break down and have not only a burritos, but a MEDIUM fry as well!!  By the time I get back home it is too late to purge!   That was 800 plus calories I just consumed! Holy shit I am pissed at myself!  So the only thing I can do is laxatives….

I told the kids they can fend for themselves for dinner.  I am NOT tempting myself again!

Did not do very well today

I started the day off well.  Just had my morning coffee, took the kids to school and when I got home, I had a diet coke. When I went Christmas shopping I did not eat a thing, just kept nursing my diet coke. But… because I still have kids living with me and NOT A THING in the cupboards for them to eat I went to the market.  I purchased 200.00 $$ worth of groceries.  I made certain to stay away from any sweets I bought easy things to make for dinner and for me I got some rice cakes, relish, vegetarian bologna and mustard.

So lunch for me was my rice cake sandwich: 67 calories

1 rice cake:45 Cal; mustard: negligable; relish:5 calories; vegetarian bologan: 17 Calories

Then I went back out for more Christmas shopping, got it all done yeah!

For dinner I made the kids a Broccoli, Carrot, olive and onion over fettucini dish. Ended up eating some: I have calculated it to be 490 calories.  I could be off on this, but not by much.

In total I have eaten 557 calories today.  I might have some coffee or tea before bed, but right now I am drinking water.

I need to do better tomorrow.  It is just so hard to cook a big meal for your kids and not sit to eat with them.

feeling very old… very ugly… and very fat tonight….

I’ve let myself go. I hate myself for this. I said never again would I let my addiction to food get the better of me.  But then I had surgery…10 pounds….and went on leave of absence another 20! Now I am so far from being me I just want to scream, literally.

What is worse is, that it is difficult to get a handle on my eating when I have to feed my kids.  If it were not for them I would never eat.  I do not get hungry, really.  Besides, I love the feeling of hunger pangs, it lets me know I am on the right track. Not only that, I do not wish to instill in them this defect I have.

Today I had my coffee, however, the Ex came over and we went Christmas shopping for the kids.  I knew he would want to eat… I skirted the issue as long as I could.  Then he wanted food… so I opted for Jasmine Rice with grilled veggies.  That cant be too bad right? When we got back to the house and the kids wanted food, he drove thru Green Burrito/Carls Jr.  I was good and only got a Diet Coke.

But now, making Christmas Cookies for the kids, it is hard.  I am making Almond cookies… my absolute favorite! I broke down and ate one two.  Then I proceeded to try and make an inventive recipe of Rose Water cookies…. thank god they tasted like shit.  The bite I took I promptly spit out!

I need to get on the treadmill and burn!

153.6

This morning was a two cup O Joe kinda morning!

Fuck DT burrito and small fry!

But ok, because I did not eat anything for dinner except mini rice cakes…I am never gonna get back to me!

153.4

I seem to be holding at this weight.

It is only 10:00 and I am losing it already at work.  I am about to break down and cry and my chest hurts bad….I am so totally having an anxiety attack and I don’t know why. I have no meds with me either!!! SHIT! FUCK!

Is it so very wrong of me to want to be fired in this economy?!  And every time I blog anything about hating my job, Jessie comes back with I should be glad to have work!  I know this, I am not stupid, but if my job is gonna cause me to die earlier of a fucking heart attack then what good is it, ya know!

Screwed myself yet again. I ate from TB, rice, volcano taco and volcano nachos!

153.6

All this I do to illicit a response, any response.  Should you tell me that you can never see us going out again, that I am far too old…or whatever.  It would be infinitely better.  Instead there is no response.  I do not move you too say anything.  And in this absence I continue with hope; and this small pilot light of hope keeps my soul ever burning.  Certainly while my time is otherwise occupied I can pretend to forget you.  To believe that I have gotten you out of my system, but all it takes is a simple glimpse of you on the internet and the fire all but blooms into a raging inferno.  I realise that it makes no sense.

I forgot my grapes today; lucky for me I had mini rice cakes in my desk drawer.  I want to go to lunch early because I cannot stand to be here today, but then I would have too much time left to be here afterwards. Damn! I ate a DT veggie works and med fry.  I am a complete failure!  I start my 30 day challenge tomorrow! NO FOOD!!!!!! For 30 days and do the Wii Active Sports!! Cor!

I read my life as it is played out on the pages of books I have not written, in the lyrics of songs I have not sung.

Thought I was soothing like a violin. Confess a new reign. But I was popping like a trumpet. Frantic for fame.

What would you think of me if I told you I haven’t slept in weeks? I’ve been up chasing my childhood with a pen.

153.0

I really do not want to be here at this job, today I have nothing to do.  My errors just make me want to leave more than ever.  I cannot focus; I have no idea what is wrong with me.  I have eaten only grapes so far today.  I went home for lunch but did not eat.  I bought a DT diet coke, but it was not diet so I don’t even have that.  To top it off the café is closed so I cannot get cold water even.

I am eating Mini Delights by Quaker…caramel drizzle.  They are only 90cals!  I am getting a migraine!!!

It has been a month and I have only lost 5.4 pounds!  I should have lost a lot more than that. It should have been closer to 10 pounds! I swear I am a failure at everything.

I fucked up!  I went home and was really in the mood for some mac-n-cheese.  So like an idiot, I went to KFC and got the large mac-n-cheese and a large mashies/gravy.  I ate all the mac-n-cheese and at least half of the mashies!  This had to be about 3000 calories I am certain! I am a failure at everything dammit, I do not deserve to live!

153.6

I had to take my son to the John Wayne airport today.  What a pain in the ass that was. One and a half hours there and two and a half hours back.  I took the 405 there as Google maps said if there was traffic it would be quicker than the 5.  And I was to take the 5 back for the same reason; however, I decided I would just take the 405 back.  That was a mistake as there was mad traffic.  Daughter did not want to go to Disneyland after so we did not, which turned out to be okay as I started to get a migraine.

Food eaten:

Coffee: 200

Small fry from DT: 310?

Chili cheese Fritos approx 1 cup: ?

Strawberry pop tart unfrosted, 1: ?

Chick patty sammy (Quorn patti:130, veganaise:90, mustard:0 vegan pepper jack cheese:35, whole wheat orowheat bun:135): 390 cals

Dill pickle: 5

Totals need to be assessed!

Todays Totals:

???

I do not know how much I weigh, two days ago it was 153 I have been really bad.  My daughter came out for a visit and I came completely undone.  At first I was good, not eating, then all hell broke lose and I have not been able to dam that flood up yet.  Yesterday I was sick all day with a migraine and diarrhea.  Today I still am feeling the effects.  Yesterday I was good until dinner time.  I had only eaten mini rice cakes maybe a total of 280 calories at best.  Then I went an purchased pizza and all but ate the whole pie!  Today I shall do better.  I had my coffee, albeit 200 cals for that, but I need my coffee.  I am not certain I shall ever be able to cut out the cream.  Thus far and it is now 10:23 that is all I have consumed, with the exception of the all powerful water.

I know that my motives are ill gotten.  I want desperately to flatten my belly so I can contact Craig and say come on boy….lets get it on.  You know I am what you want. But if I cannot manage to get my fucking act together this will never happen, or it shall happen to late.  In addition I am turning fifty in 6 months.  I want to be at a healthy weight of at least 130, but 120 would be better.  I was doing so well too. I was not feeling the hunger pangs any longer; it was good to be empty.  There was no need to empty my bowels as they were never full.  It is these things that I must remember.  If I can concentrate on these things I will succeed!!

I just want to go home, I feel like shit!  Is it so very wrong of me to want to be fired in this economy?  I hate my job, and I think I would rather work at some less paying job and be happy than to continue on here.  This job just makes me want to open a vein. And I am so not even kidding.  I would rather live without cell phones, cable TV and internet, well OK, not internet, than stay at this job.

Why can I not get you off my mind! This is utter torment and I bring it all upon myself….or do I ?

You have twice contacted me to go out with you….I know or think that all that you want from me …. Is …well …. I don’t want to think that.  I think that if that was the case then on the second occasion you would have just asked me to your flat like the last time.  Why bring me out in public?  I am so addicted to you…

I wish I was allergic to peanut butter so I can tell my effing cube mates to go eat their lunch in the damn lunch room!!!

I need to find a flaw in you…then I can obsess over it and not want to see you again….like I do with everyone else…but alas … you are flawless…but you cannot be, there must be a flaw somewhere….

I had a rice cake sammy at lunch 57.5 cals

And some grapes…IDK how much